It is 6:30 AM on a Saturday morning, and instead of lazing around in bed daydreaming of finding the perfect man, I am stressed. I feel this tightness in my chest that I know is not going to go away even if I manage to complete the shit work I’m having to do.

I’m in a new team, and I absolutely hate it here. It’s the kind of place you have to be a data monkey. Day in, day out, crunching numbers to figure out God knows what. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy here, before I joined. But honestly, I had no option. It was either this team or another where the people are simply terrible and the work loan immense.

The people are nice enough in this team. But I’m not suited to this work. Or rather I’ve not done anything like this before. I’m having the usual teething pains, and problem is, people are losing their patience.

Which makes me feel like a worthless loser. I’m constantly struggling with bouts of imposter syndrome anyways, and it’s days like these that make me feel I’m not smart enough to be in this job. I’m smart enough to hold down a decent job, I know that, but here, between all these other brilliant people, I’m nothing but a fat bumbling idiot.

I felt this would make me feel better, but my words seem hollow. I don’t know what to do. There are 2 main things that my competence is being questioned over, 1 of those things I don’t know how to get under control because sometimes it’s because of my fuckup and sometimes not. I spend an hour everyday figuring this submission out only to be smacked in the face with a variance the next day. And the one guy who is sweet and patient also lost his cool yesterday. So I don’t know what to do anymore.

Maybe I should just die. Have a massive heart attack or stroke and just die. I don’t have the courage to take my own life, so it would be nice if I died on my own. Probably then these assholes will feel bad about putting me under pressure. Maybe not though, they’ll just label me as weak.